I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Lo siento on account of my penis...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
