i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
