I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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