Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sorry my hands just texted you
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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