I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
