just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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