remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
