I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
