i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
