Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
