You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
