My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Randomize
