i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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