bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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