ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
