His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
