I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
