I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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