He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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