Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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