eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
