Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
