Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
