Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
