I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
