My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
