Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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