I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
