my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Quick, to the slutcave!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
