Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
