Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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