A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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