i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
