Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
