god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
