She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
