I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
