i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
