Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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