Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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