The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
nutella sex= disaster
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
