I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
