hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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