So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
