Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
