Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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