Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
