dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
