Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
