she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
